lAtesT uNconditionaL wIsdoM -->

I haven't written in a while! A lot of things have happened. Had my birthday party at Pearl Restro in downtown Nashville.... which I may write another article about. Been in a relationship for a while with my new girl. Enjoying life and working hard. I'm focused and back at kicking ass. But, what I want to talk about today is how the seeds of doubt are more poisonous than any other thing in life. Doubt of one's self, doubt of one's partner, doubt of ones friends, etc... Once the seeds are sewn it takes a huge amount of personal strength to kill those seeds. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of my personal journey that I found doubt to be like kryptonite but I see other people paralyzed with doubt and unable to be proactive because they are shadowed in this chaos of doubt and negative inner suggestion. So, I understand from watching others that this is unlikely to be just me. 

Anyone, including yourself, can sew the seeds of doubt in your life if you let it happen. It's not usually because your friends or others want to see you do bad but it's likely because they are looking out for you and trying to make you aware of all the pitfalls that are possible. Be careful not to get overwhelmed in things you cannot control and things that are generally outside of your sphere of influence. Just because something is in your view doesn't mean it's something you can control and it's best to focus on the things you can control and let the things you can't control play themselves out. I am always aware of those things which are out of my control and I have a hard time not trying to control those things or being aware that I can't control them. That's what I'm working on. 

It's true that there are those people that would rather see you fail and the more successful you are the more of those people will live to see your downfall because misery loves company. It can be hard to not tune out the noise of strangers who give warnings out of malicious intent if you aren't used to people who do this type of thing. Surely, this can be a danger to be aware of that can potentially halt or slow your rise through life. Sometimes strangers give gifts and sometimes strangers deal in poison but strangers never give without self interest. I'd rather not let the whispers of strangers clutter my mind but I stay aware and remember the words of strangers. 

Watering the seeds of doubt can be a poisonous endeavor. Remember, all things will eventually come to light in their own time. Nothing can hide forever and every experience in your life has it's purpose and it's imprint of wisdom. 

Thank God for 2010 because as the title says 2009 was kickin my ass. Okay, it wasn’t a bad year by the normal measure. I met a lot of cool people and made a lot of solid networking connections. That being said, there were a lot of things about 2009 that changed for me and put me in extremely awkward positions with people I cared about. A few of the things that looked bad in my personal life such as my breakup were not really all that bad. It just made the year turbulant.

I learned a lot about what I will never do in business ever again but I also learned a lot about what I did right. I also saw some incredible moves that I learned a lot from out of people I associated with in business and my personal life. I definately found out who my real friends were and who really had my back in a time of need.

Looking at my goal list for 2010 I must note that it’s incredibly ambitious but I’ve already knocked a few things off the list. I wrote my goal list around Thanksgiving. There’s a lot of promise with this new year and a lot to be said for a year that nearly knocked me on my ass but gave me a soft place to land. I really learned how able I am to move with change and adapt to situations that others mull over for months.

I learned how much I love my son and all of the things I want for him in life. I learned and am still learning what it’s going to take to get him there. I learned to have some patience and think before I act. I have always been a bit of a doer and not so much a thinker in the past. It’s benefited me in the past and cost me as well. I learned it doesn’t hurt to take a few seconds to reflect before you act on something.

I learned that there are many people that value my perspective and hold me in high regard even though they see my flaws. I learned to see myself better through the eyes of others and to not be so afraid to be a little vunerable. I learned that I’m an extremely talented and gifted person who owes the world all that I can afford to give and thensome for giving me the opportunity to be who I am.

Lastly, I learned to not be bitter when people step on me. I learned to let people be who they are even when you don’t agree with them. I had to learn to let go so I could live for my future and not hold on to my past.

This past year has been one of my best years and one of my worst years. It was filled with wealth, pain, loss, beauty, awakening, renewal, discovery and several minor strokes of genius. My company at a turning point because I’m looking for a new partner and re-organizing the company under a new structure. I’m also considering other options such as working for someone for a year or so. There is still a lot of baggage from my old company but I’m working to clean things up and lighten the load. I want a much more agile and responsible company out of the dust of this re-organization. I’m building something that reflects the point I am at in my life. Even if I do decide to take a break to work for someone I would still build this new company as I can’t help but be an entrepreneur. I can be extremely useful as an employee when properly motivated and when I have a stake in the success of a company. But working for a company that I don’t have stake in was something I said I would never do again. So, I’m having to reconcile that definitive statement I made several years ago with who I am today and where I want to be. Will I do something that I normally wouldn’t do because the circumstances of my life have changed? Well, if I can keep some of my freedom and retain my individualism then maybe I could work for someone for a brief period of time. Of course, I’m making moves in a lot of different directions to protect my interests and make sure I have plenty of opportunity.

As always, my next big move in my career and life will be based on what will make me grow the most as a person and help me fulfill my obligations as a father and a man. This defines most of my choices. I always work to move with life and hold my expectations to a minimum but keep my goals high. I did set my goals for the coming year and wrote them down so I have some targets for my life. So, whatever is going to bring me closer to my goals I will do. Through the achievement of my goals I will grow and fullfill my obligations. 

I am blessed and grateful to be where I am at in my life and I’ve worked extremely hard to get this far mostly unscathed. I hope that with my next big moves in my personal life and my professional life I can manage to build on who I’ve become and come to the end of next year in much better position than I already am.

Dating is an interesting ride. I didn’t really ‘date’ all that much when I was younger. Dating, truly, feels awkward and invented - even & especially with someone you really like. When I was younger I knew people for a bit and then they would become my girlfriend. I mean, I did go out with people on dates but not like a bunch of dates. So, it feels strange to do so. I do like dating but it’s not my favorite thing in the world. Further, I tend to have very good luck at some things. When I selected the house that I currently moved in to it was the first house I checked out and it was perfect; everything I needed in a home. Many times I was out looking for the right woman and just as easily one of the first ones I meet is the one I like the most and the right woman for that period of my life. So, it seems I attract the right things in my life for the right situation and I don’t really question things if it feels right. So, I was dating a couple people. I can date no more than two people at a time because I’m busy and I just would rather not split my focus and energy up so much. After several ‘interviews’ I found that one of them was not very intellectually or emotional stable and decided not to pursue her only to talk to another - which wasn’t going to work out for complex reasons I don’t care to get in to, so we had to part ways. Now, I’m left with one that I’m currently seeing regularly and she’s very interesting. So, interesting that I haven’t decided to -actively- look for another to fill my ‘second slot’.

I found that through dating her I question some of my long held values as I put on the chase for this woman. I can’t go in to what values I’m questioning but let’s just say they seemed right when I set them up but now that I’m older and actually question them they fall down in the face of scrutiny. I would assume this is good. My goal is one of constant self-reflection, self-improvement and to find out that my values are less mature than I personally am at this stage in life means I get to change them. There are certain things that were important to me in previous relationships that seemingly are far less important now. It’s funny how you set up standards for yourself and repeat them brainlessly until the right person poses the simple question, "why?".

I’ve been told I’m in no state to select someone to be with because of my recent breakup, my business restructure and blah, blah, blah! But, I apply my own rules to life and if something feels like the right thing to do you should do it unless it hurts someone else. I enjoy a good pursuit and it gives me energy to work, live and be a better man (when it’s a good woman). I have lots of challenges in my life because I work on a lot of things at one time. So, I thrive on challenges and I alluded to this in a previous post a few days ago.

My best advice to anybody going through something like this is to keep looking but keep an open heart and an open mind. Don’t let your past control your future as you don’t have to be defined by your past relationships but defined in spite and because of what you learned about yourself through them. Find someone you can learn, grow with and build something that makes you both better than you could be by yourselves. Listen to those closest to you and don’t turn down their advice but remember it, even if you don’t agree.

I just wanted to go over some essential life skills that, in my opinion, everybody should have or work on having.

1. Communication - If you suck at talking to people please read a book and practice with whatever friends you might have. This is the most important skill you will ever gain. Closed mouths don’t get fed. After you learn to communicate please learn negotiation skills as that is, in my opinion, the next level of communication.


2. Some Fashion Sense - Okay, you don’t have to be able to dress perfect but dress adequate for your skin tone, your body type and your budget. As a good friend told me, "Don’t shop for clothes alone!". What that means is if you don’t have fashion sense someone you know does and at least look like you do (I actually do have enough fashion sense to shop alone but I still take this advice). You don’t have to have money to dress. I shop wherever I can afford to at any given time and am always lookin for a deal.


3. Know Alcohol & Drink - I know some people can’t drink or don’t like to drink because of health reasons or addictions. You should still know about alcohol. How to make at least three decent drinks is good knowledge. Have some knowledge of wines - don’t need to have much. But these skills will come in handy in social situations. If you drink then know how to drink to not get out of control. Drink slowly and go easy. I drink a lot but I’m a professional and can maintain my composure. People may disagree with me but I don’t care all that much. However, feel free to disagree with me in the comments.


4. Know Sports - Eh… I don’t excel in this one. But I know just enough to get by in the sports department. I love boxing and can talk adequately about that but I don’t watch football, basketball or baseball that much. However, I try to just browse the sports news every now and then and check the headlines so I know something about what’s going on. I know, I know… I just don’t have the time to invest in to sports for some reason… Oh yeah, cause I do a million other things.


5. Have a Hobby: Learn - Do something interesting. If you don’t have a hobby then you should go get one. I’m learning the guitar right now and when I get good at that I’ll do something else. I also have had a ton of hobbies in the past that I was at least adequate at or did it until I got bored. Some will say this is not a life skill, yeah, learning is a life skill. A life full of learning is a full life.


6. Cook & Know How To Eat - Know a little about food. I would say being able to cook is essential to a great life but it depends on if you are single or not. At some point we were or are single so you should have some knowledge of it. I went on for four years barely cooking anything because my ex used to cook her ass off. However, I was very aware of the different flavors in food and I always asked her how she cooked something. Further, I know where tons of good restaurants are. Lastly, as part of this, have a diverse knowledge of food. Never tried Korean food? Do it! Ethiopian? Do it! French? Do it! Expanding you food horizons will give you great knowlege of different food types and further help as a conversation piece.


7. Working a Computer - Yes, you can eek by without learning how to use a computer and all of you who are reading this likely use a computer pretty well but this is still an essential life skill in the modern age. I tend to take this for granted because I’ve had a computer since before I can remember but that doesn’t make it less essential. You should probably learn how to type as well if you are pecking around on the keyboard right now. The better your computer knowledge the better your access to resources that many other may not have.


8. Compassion & Empathy - This is an essential life skill. Showing you care to your fellow humans will leave an impact. However, it’s hard to aquire this skill I would assume. It’s something you either have or feign really well. I’ve never looked in to resources for how to acquire these skills but I’m sure if you don’t have them there are things you can read that will help you.


9. Financial Knowledge - There is "How To Balance a Checkbook" and then there is real financial understanding. Unfortunately, we do not teach this in school. Essential things like how to put money away for investment, how to make your money make money for you, how to not abuse credit, how to build savings and how to build wealth. If you come from a relatively poor family & background as myself these skills will come to you with enough failure or the right mentor. But it’s best if you come in to this knowledge on your own terms. I suggest reading "Rich Dad, Poor Dad", which is a great starter book.


10. Set Goals, Take Steps - It’s smart to write down your goals and work towards them. Appriciate the goals you have achieved and give your self credit for getting there. To be successful your goals have to be tangable and likely. So make big goals but take one small step at a time in working towards your goals. Don’t worry if you can’t see the entire path to your goals. Just take one step in the direction of your goal at a time and be sure to write down your goals. Goal setting is an essential skill to a successful life.

These are skills and knowledge I consider essential to a successful life. Of course there may be others you could add but these are the ones I could think of today. With these I’ve been able to do a ton with very little else. Some of these I had to work at and didn’t always have. Some of these might not serve your position in life for one reason or another. Again, disagree with me in the comments if you like or add to these. I love feedback.

At this point I’m doing everything I can to dump energy in to my creativity. That’s why I’m writing in my blog more, putting more energy in to work, learning music, interacting more outside of the office and generally doing everything I can to express the energy that’s inside of me. This energy that’s inside of me right now is a mix of anxiety, pain, excitement, anger, resentment, love and passion. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so many complex emotions at one time. It’s a difficult transition point in my life for sure. I’m lucky to have friends around me that undertstand what I’m going through. I’d like to thank everyone who has been a pillar of support for me during this time.

The problem is that I can’t find my center and I’m not sure I have one any more. That would mean I have to focus to find a new center or elaborate on my definition of self. The energy flowing through me is so complex and powerful everything I do seems like a minor distraction from the real purpose of my life. I am well known for keeping my cool under a lot of stress and being able to plan and think through problems without getting emotional. But I look at my current mix of situations and really don’t have much of a personal plan. My business is doing okay but it slowed down when I started going through this because it was really hard to sell and be creative when all of this started. So, my work did suffer initially but I’ve been able to use the energy to counter the effects of it’s initial impact. But now, there’s so much of this energy - positive and negative that it feels like a constant battle inside of me. Then every once and a while I turn the valve and am able to release it through individual expression and can keep my calm for a day or a few hours.

I was told by a stranger a long time ago that writing would keep me sane and that it was one of my many gifts. There’s a very thin line between creativity and insanity and I’m really working hard to stay balanced on it right now. It seems even more so that there is a thin line between a gift and a curse. I fell off a couple days ago and it hurt me deeply to do so. I must keep this energy focused and under control as I travel this particular path. Then when I come to my new path in life I’ll be ready to take it on under calm and focus… or at least that is the hope.

So, time and time again I realized I have this huge flaw that I haven’t been able to correct no matter how many years I’ve worked on it. I think this is probably kind of personal to put in the public but this is my journal of sorts and I need to write about this because that may help me one day resolve this issue.

I was raised a great deal by my Grandmother, who is now deceased. I love my Grandmother with all of my heart but she did help pass this flaw on to me and the only way to own it is to understand where it comes from. I generally am good with words and craft them with purpose and intention when I write. However, there are a few times in my life where when I let someone make me feel powerless or backed in to a corner I spew garbage from my mouth that I don’t mean to intentionally hurt people. The thing is I don’t mean it but it’s like an inpulse that seems right when I say it and I feel justified. However, my sensibility and empathy set in and I know that I’m wrong so I begin to hate myself for what I said especially when someone will not accept my apology and understand where I’m coming from on this. It’s like poison to my soul and the worse the thing I said the harder the impact is to me. There’s a good reason I have a circle with two arrows tatooed on my shoulder. I feel all things are rectified in the end. That energy you put out comes back to you. It’s my strong sense of justice that keeps me from doing wrong to people intentionally. It keeps me balanced. I pride myself on that balance even though my balance has been way off for a couple weeks now. It was almost back in line until last night.

Now, most people have forgiven me for this flaw because I’m a good person overall. I’m generous, thoughtful and respect people. Most people don’t know this about me and never learn it unless they know me for a long, long time. So, I did this to someone last night who’s opinion of me matters and now that person won’t even let me apologize. I guess I’m under a ton of stress to do the right thing, make everybody happy, and be on top of my business. Since my ex left on a bus a couple weeks ago I really am on my own with the exception of some help from my mother and a couple friends. The thing the person was telling me last night hurt me deeply and I just couldn’t process my thoughts properly. So, I said some things I really didn’t mean and I knew this thing would hurt that person as much as what they said to me. I didn’t think about how what I was saying was terrible and counter to how I really felt. So, I’ve corrupted my soul now. This person believes I think this thing that I don’t believe and I can’t apologize.

I’m curious if this stems from my ambition and if so how to control that aspect of me. I know my Grandmother used to do this but I don’t think that’s the only cause. I really hate to lose and don’t easily accept no for an answer. I wonder more and more if the things about me that give me great power over my life and the ability to help others also cause my most serious flaws. If so, that’s very unfortunate and tragic. I have a feeling that this is not uncommon.

I’m just going to throw as much positive energy in to my work and hopefully work off the poison that’s in my spirit right now in hopes that one day I can apologize and have it accepted. Until then I’m going to work on figuring out what this flaw stems from and how to resolve it so I never have to apologize for it again.

I wanted to put together some thoughts on being a single in Nashville. Now, as many know who read my blog I’m newly single and I have my son living with me. My ex moved out of our house last week. I actually enjoy being alone in the house to some degree. Another thing is I’ve never really had a problem getting with the women I want but getting with the women I should be with has been a problem in the past. I’ve matched myself for pretty shitty reasons in the past. Okay, I’m addicted to pretty women but now that I know that and I’m much older than the last time I was single so I’ve been trying to weed out the ones who aren’t intellectually or emotionally developed enough for me. This means taking things slower than I would like. I really don’t have a lot of patience and never have had all that much. But I’ve went on a few successful dates and I found someone I’m pretty interested in so I learned a lot very quickly.

Okay, so the first thing I did was get my wardrobe straight. I went out and got all the clothes I wanted that would represent my tastes in style. It’s very lucky that it was close to winter because winter fashions have always given me more flexibility. A good fashion sense will get you a hell of a long way. The clothes don’t make the man but they do represent you and if you are comfortable in your clothes you will exude more confidence. A great cologne will get you pretty far too. The sense of smell is more connected directly to the brain than any other sense. Then you really have to own yourself. If you look unsure about yourself so is everyone else. Be your space and feel free to talk to other people. Looking good and smelling good in a venue that matches you well is only part of the fight. If you don’t talk to people or respond to people you don’t have anything. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Oh… and take a friend with you. You’ll need filler conversation and you look social and fun if you have someone with you. I have gone out by myself when I can’t get anybody but personally, I’m just a lot more comfortable with a friend or two with me.

Lastly, I have been trying different clubs/bars out to find ones that match my style. I’m a real big fan of Pearl on Commerce street near 2nd. It’s an urban lounge of sorts and that suits my tastes. The crowd isn’t extremely young, they have good food and there’s space for talking to someone if you meet someone there. This place gives me the attention I like and the people who own it are very responsive to remember their regulars. It makes you feel at home. There are a couple other places I like. I’m a fan of Big Bang on Broadway but it can be a little coupled up in there most of the time. A great place to take a date but a little harder to find one there. I do occassionally go to Atlantis on (3rd I think) but this is a bit too young and less classy in my opinion. I’m more for the grown, sexy and classy places in Nashville where I can meet laid back people. A guilty pleasure of mine in the past has been Decades (an 80’s club on Broadway) but I have mixed feelings about the crowd there. It’s been slightly different every time I’ve went and I haven’t hit it up since I’ve been single. The venue you frequent should match your tastes in women, represent your interests in music and dress and not be so packed where you can’t get noticed or breath… lol If it’s so hot you are sweating your ass off, leave, you are gonna be in a bad position. Ie… I really don’t like Karma Lounge in Nashville because it’s always 1 million degrees in that bitch and packed to the teeth on weekends. Are there any places you’d recommend? If so, leave me some comments.

I was given a gift for my October as part of my renewal that hurt me to the core so much I couldn’t absorb it in to my world. It was like oil trying to mix with the fluid of my life and there was little I could say or do that would deflect it back in to the atmosphere once those cold words hit my ear. The magnitude of this was atomic and it had to be sourced… I needed confirmation in order to be certain of this. The truth could put my world in to chaos in such a way that I would be lost in the wilderness, no longer with the remedy that existed in my heart for the ills of the world. Now my heart is less than it should be and weakened by the dishonesty of those I thought cared for me so deeply that I rarely questioned their word. But my resolve is strengthened by the will to make sure my son is a wiser man than I and to make sure that my life is filled with the peace I deserve. 

In my situation there can be no peace for now and turbulence will have to be a part of who I am for the time being. I must mask how I feel in order to be better because work needs to done, people count on me and to act emotional would be foolish. Emotion is what got me here… being blinded in the face of the truth and not being as watchful as I should have been. I could have asked the right questions to the right people. I could have been something more than what I was. Yet I don’t regret who I am because this was the path to what I needed to be I can only assume. I can learn my lesson but I’m not sure what the real cost is and only time will be my guide for that question. 

It was my highest imperative to not repeat the sins of my parents… to be wiser and to learn from those before. Unfortunately, I may repeat the past and there is little that I can do for that knowing what I know. I hope my son forgives me. I hope he can understand what I could not and do better than I did. I will guide him in that direction and through my best efforts may he learn to be a better man than I could be and see things that I was blinded to.

The burden of truth is more expensive than ignorance and I’m the bearer of a debt now so great that I’m not sure I can sleep at night because my dreams bear the cost of knowing deception’s face. I’ve helped so many and worked hard to do right by the world. I can’t help but feel slighted and feel that the fact the wounds are so deep that it’s my own fault for not seeing I was being cut in the first place. I ignored, I deflected, I excused behavior, and I watched as my spirit slowly devolved in to something less than I can now be proud of. 

I was told by a friend that what someone else does to you says nothing about you but everything about them. This is wise advice but I have a hard time not taking some responsibility for the degree I let myself get harmed. Knowing as much as I know about life and as much as I have learned by watching others make mistakes I am but a child in this universe and have so much more to get out of life. I still feel protected under God’s arm and this will not shake my faith as much as it will strengthen my faith. I will do my best to not be bitter or self-destructive. I have friends I didn’t know existed and through this I will find out who the best of them are.

October is always like my reflection point for the year it feels like. There’s something about watching the the weather cool and knowing that the holidays are coming that makes this time of the year feel unique. Leaves are whisping about the Autum wind and a steaming cup of tea feels that much more welcome against the crispness of the air. It like the coming days are borrowing the last bit of heat from the waivering summer. It gives me a burst of energy and a knowing that I can’t describe but in the words that I will present.

For this October I want a new beginning for myself. I feel the attraction of things in my life that bring me peace, resolution and wealth of the soul’s capital. There’s a tension in the spirit that lets me know I’m at the verge of something greater than myself and informs me that I must stay wise to the signs of life. I’ve let go of the heavy part of my life and let a higher power carry me through these days. I’ve given in to the fact I don’t know where the path leads and that I don’t need to know to see the brightness of each sure step in front of me. I feel almost free of that which bound me to deception and the collusion of others, intentional or not, to dim my light which have only created more source of such light within me.

I don’t fear for the future but know that it holds me dear in the nook of success and the challenges I must face to get where I am heading are only stories for my children and character building measures that make me more vibrant. Tomorrow holds the secret about what was special about the things I faced today and knowing like I know is knowing what the future holds for me.

I sacrificed the world back what I held so dear and somewhere inside it nearly killed me to feel the way I did. But the world will connect me back with what I gave it if it is what is healthy for me and well deserved. I am not above what god demands of me and of what is demanded by my soul for sacrafice. I am not a man of regrets because that which is less desired still serves your soul but maybe I could have done different in this case. Maybe I should have dreamed higher or reached above myself to gain those traits of the spirit which would have balanced me and made me less demanding. But as sure as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow is as sure as I am that knowing what I know now must be needed medication for a weary soul that would have not known otherwise.

When you give in to that thing unseen that gives you a tug on your shoulder and a whisper in your ear or see that fact which is in the midst of illusion enlightenment will be your guide and you can do no harm. I have been given peace by knowing the truth and through the truth I stand whole. If you lead me to the truth may your path be blessed as well. That which you give in good heart you will surely receive.