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I was given a gift for my October as part of my renewal that hurt me to the core so much I couldn’t absorb it in to my world. It was like oil trying to mix with the fluid of my life and there was little I could say or do that would deflect it back in to the atmosphere once those cold words hit my ear. The magnitude of this was atomic and it had to be sourced… I needed confirmation in order to be certain of this. The truth could put my world in to chaos in such a way that I would be lost in the wilderness, no longer with the remedy that existed in my heart for the ills of the world. Now my heart is less than it should be and weakened by the dishonesty of those I thought cared for me so deeply that I rarely questioned their word. But my resolve is strengthened by the will to make sure my son is a wiser man than I and to make sure that my life is filled with the peace I deserve. 

In my situation there can be no peace for now and turbulence will have to be a part of who I am for the time being. I must mask how I feel in order to be better because work needs to done, people count on me and to act emotional would be foolish. Emotion is what got me here… being blinded in the face of the truth and not being as watchful as I should have been. I could have asked the right questions to the right people. I could have been something more than what I was. Yet I don’t regret who I am because this was the path to what I needed to be I can only assume. I can learn my lesson but I’m not sure what the real cost is and only time will be my guide for that question. 

It was my highest imperative to not repeat the sins of my parents… to be wiser and to learn from those before. Unfortunately, I may repeat the past and there is little that I can do for that knowing what I know. I hope my son forgives me. I hope he can understand what I could not and do better than I did. I will guide him in that direction and through my best efforts may he learn to be a better man than I could be and see things that I was blinded to.

The burden of truth is more expensive than ignorance and I’m the bearer of a debt now so great that I’m not sure I can sleep at night because my dreams bear the cost of knowing deception’s face. I’ve helped so many and worked hard to do right by the world. I can’t help but feel slighted and feel that the fact the wounds are so deep that it’s my own fault for not seeing I was being cut in the first place. I ignored, I deflected, I excused behavior, and I watched as my spirit slowly devolved in to something less than I can now be proud of. 

I was told by a friend that what someone else does to you says nothing about you but everything about them. This is wise advice but I have a hard time not taking some responsibility for the degree I let myself get harmed. Knowing as much as I know about life and as much as I have learned by watching others make mistakes I am but a child in this universe and have so much more to get out of life. I still feel protected under God’s arm and this will not shake my faith as much as it will strengthen my faith. I will do my best to not be bitter or self-destructive. I have friends I didn’t know existed and through this I will find out who the best of them are.

October is always like my reflection point for the year it feels like. There’s something about watching the the weather cool and knowing that the holidays are coming that makes this time of the year feel unique. Leaves are whisping about the Autum wind and a steaming cup of tea feels that much more welcome against the crispness of the air. It like the coming days are borrowing the last bit of heat from the waivering summer. It gives me a burst of energy and a knowing that I can’t describe but in the words that I will present.

For this October I want a new beginning for myself. I feel the attraction of things in my life that bring me peace, resolution and wealth of the soul’s capital. There’s a tension in the spirit that lets me know I’m at the verge of something greater than myself and informs me that I must stay wise to the signs of life. I’ve let go of the heavy part of my life and let a higher power carry me through these days. I’ve given in to the fact I don’t know where the path leads and that I don’t need to know to see the brightness of each sure step in front of me. I feel almost free of that which bound me to deception and the collusion of others, intentional or not, to dim my light which have only created more source of such light within me.

I don’t fear for the future but know that it holds me dear in the nook of success and the challenges I must face to get where I am heading are only stories for my children and character building measures that make me more vibrant. Tomorrow holds the secret about what was special about the things I faced today and knowing like I know is knowing what the future holds for me.

I sacrificed the world back what I held so dear and somewhere inside it nearly killed me to feel the way I did. But the world will connect me back with what I gave it if it is what is healthy for me and well deserved. I am not above what god demands of me and of what is demanded by my soul for sacrafice. I am not a man of regrets because that which is less desired still serves your soul but maybe I could have done different in this case. Maybe I should have dreamed higher or reached above myself to gain those traits of the spirit which would have balanced me and made me less demanding. But as sure as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow is as sure as I am that knowing what I know now must be needed medication for a weary soul that would have not known otherwise.

When you give in to that thing unseen that gives you a tug on your shoulder and a whisper in your ear or see that fact which is in the midst of illusion enlightenment will be your guide and you can do no harm. I have been given peace by knowing the truth and through the truth I stand whole. If you lead me to the truth may your path be blessed as well. That which you give in good heart you will surely receive.

Lately I’ve been kinda restless. Not really feeling motivated to complete any one task and overwhelmed by a few things. I’m aware part of it is my breakup, some of it is that business has taken a slight dip this month in growth and I am trying to spread my time thinner by spending more time with my son and a little time hanging with my ex-girlfriend. I’m spending a little time with her just so we can be sure that things should be the way they should be right now. So, I’ve been stopping working 12-14 hour days and easing up to work 8-9 hour days instead.

Business puts a lot of demands on you and I would like to say to anyone planning on starting a business "Please, make sure you have the fortitude to deal with the demands of business before you decide you want to run a business." I know, I’m bitching a bit because, really, I love business even though it’s taxing on my spirit sometimes.

This month has been extra difficult for many reasons and thus has made me restless and unable to focus. A lot of old contacts have come back in to my life to contact me, which has been interesting. Also, doing a lot of consulting with people and helping others with advice and words of wisdom. For October I will gain my focus back and put my eye back on the prize. September was the 1 year anniversary of Cogwise Software (which my partner and I started one year ago).

I’m considering a vacation to the Carribean in November and am setting the wheels in motion to make it happen. Already applied for my passport and am putting together some new contracts to increase the available cash flow in our company. Also put up our new website for CogWise Software.

I know this short article is all over the damn place. I just felt like writing and needed to represent my ambition for the coming month to start it off the right way. It’s going to be an effective month. I’ll be writing a lot more this coming month as well.