lAtesT uNconditionaL wIsdoM -->

In The Beginning

There once was a young man who considered himself worthy of a woman’s heart for whom he had no reach. He gave her two years of patience with the faith that she would one day be his and his alone. He followed her to the point he lost himself in her gaze, her smile and hung on the every simple movement of her lips. He was soaked in her from head to toe and begged again and again for her to be his. She finally gave in to his seemingly endless requests but with a half heart and not knowing they would one day commit themselves to more than they could conceive. He wanted to move her away from the place they were from which he considered poison for their relationship so even though his heart was that of a business man he gave in to become an employee and move far away from their families to Nashville.

On Hope

They were together in their own place far away from home and bound up in a relationship she was unsure of. She was yet defining who she was early in her twenties and feeling difficulty in being some man’s woman while being her own woman. The days went by and they struggled to scratch out a small place for themselves while slowly acquiring all the things you need to be comfortable in the modern world. He was wary of her disconnect in the relationship but continued the relationship as he knew keeping her heart would be as difficult as winning it in the first place. She was distant and hurtful in the early days and not really committed. Then, after no more than a few months away from home there was news of the life they had made without intention and both were concerned. Both had come from homes where parents were not together in marriage and they debated extinguishing this creation they had made but in the end there was a decision to keep the life and make it their own. They built this decision on hope that they would be better than their parents and they could overcome their differences. They hoped they could define themselves, combine their dreams and build something to last the test of stress and time.

She Was…

Embarrassed to be pregnant and worried about what her family would think. She didn’t want to be another statistic and was worried about being a single mother as the relationship she was in was new and there was no way to tell the future. She had aspirations of being a model which she knew may be sidetracked. Her life was scary and she felt no longer in control of the things happening to her body through the event she was putting it through. Would he be there for her? Would she be able to regain her former body? Would she get the help she needed? Would her family be supportive? There were so many questions that spun her up tight in uncertainty.

He Was…

Fearful of having enough for his new son. He knew his role was the provider and was concerned that his dreams may go unfulfilled to put food on the table and make the world a better place for his son than it was when he was growing up. He was concerned about his relationship as he trusted his new girlfriend as she admitted this was not her ideal relationship and that he was not her ideal man. He was worried he may had continued the sins of his father on to his son and this made him immensely sad as it was not his intention. All he knew is this child felt special and he could not give in to his fear. Through his resistance to be less his fear grew deep within his soul and kept him motivated. It was covered by hard work, dedication and the will to be more than he knew.

There Was…

A growth in closeness as they worked to have this child. They found the best parts of one another but never had really grown in to who they were before. They grew in to something together that was logical, cordial and patient in their combined will power. Both deeply passionate people they had some difficulty connecting with one another through the chaos of being something else besides what people usually be when they grow in to one another. Something in both of them was withheld to be what they needed to be for their newborn son. In a fit of irony he blessed the day of September 11th with his birth. Both were excited to have their first son.

Then There Was…

Three. There was us and him. We defined ourselves through the growing relationship we had with this new child and had little precious time to see each other in the way that would make our bond stronger. He started a new business as he wanted this legacy for his son so he wasted no more time being an employee. He declared he would never be another man’s slave and he would give this example to his son that would show him what is possible. He had been an entrepreneur all his life and so must he continue to be. So, he raised two children, his business and his newborn son. He did his best to help his woman find herself through the mist of being a new mother as well, but this task was more than he had the heart for and proved difficult. She was a strong mother who slept little for the sake of her child’s development. She sang to him and loved him patiently even as she felt herself undefined. He was hard working and pressed himself in to unknown straights working in to the long arm of the the night to build a dream and give his son an example he could be proud of. The time invested was time away and it pressed their relationship. They rarely fought but talked at length with no solution about how they shall be with one another instead of just being. There was no way for them to feel each other but through their child.

Until One Day…

The magic they needed that kept them united in function had run dry. They spent four years pushing and pulling against the inability to be what they wanted for one another. There was a blankness in their day that gave rise to tension and ran them weak on creativity. No longer could he see her struggle to be the woman she wanted to be without being satisfied. It made him sad because he loved her so much and quietly brought him to tears that he wouldn’t let her see. In the beginning he wanted so much for her and saw the brightness her soul gave off. He wanted to bless that with the light he had in his spirit and show her the beauty in life they could accomplish together. Together they created magic but both were unquenched in the passion they so desired for one another. As best friends they were weakened by the pain of this empty feeling but got better and better at hiding it. He was willing to incur the pain of loss to see her as she desired to see herself even though he knew deep down she may not come back to him. Finally love conquered the fear in his heart and the story is left unfinished…

Lost in my translation of between and my beyond.

Cold cast iron soul dust in a warm summer pond.

Feeling unconcealed, unrecognized and chaotically reeling.

Sight to sound and heart vocals to bottom out on the ceiling.

Assert the grip of confidence on that unknown and unheld.

It’s not spoken out of lips but still feels syllabally spelled.

My love is grander in form but yours in lent and borrow.

Can’t feel my insecurity beyond this unforgiving tomorrow.

Tension for the gut but camamile to the mind’s eye.

A gallon of ease and ounce of shadows on your lie.

It’s dense mist for those who can’t see a foot in front.

It’s fire in your cool tongue but uncaring and blunt.

Don’t be quick to speak on truth from casual passing.

See what you can imagine in the mist of intellectual fasting.

 

I’ve been doing some serious self exploration for a few days now and I’ve come to realize that I’ve changed in some ways that weren’t even obvious to me until the evidence started piling up. I’ve become rigid, cold, less affectionate and even less romantic. I have come to care little for the pursuit ofhappiness and more for the accumulation of wealth and success. This was made clear to me through an accumulation of evidence in people’s reaction to me over the past few years and then finally by comments of a stranger. It’s like someone waived their hand in front of me and suddenly I could see the past, the present and several potential futures all in unison.

It’s funny how perception of one’s self can be behind the reality of self because small and slow changes that occur can be so subtle when they happen that you transform without really knowing how you got somewhere. What to do when you have realized you are different is more complex because this realization can change the way you view the relationships you have and the world around you.

I still retain my passion and ambition but there’s a fear in me now that was never really there just a few years ago. Some have told me it’s because I have a child and a family but I don’t accept that as the reason for this growing tension in my soul. I was never the type to be consumed by fear or even give it a second thought. I was careless and fearless when I was much younger and I am much more careful, thoughtful but also kinda fear driven in a way that doesn’t make any logical sense to me.

I’ve totally lost my ability to be affectionate with another human being. How the hell did this happen? My girlfriend is not the most affectionate person and never has been. That’s part of it. Without using it obviously it would become less of a thing. My affection for others and their reciprocation used to be an essential part of who I was. It fueled the fire in me that kept my soul bright and my mind sharp.

I’m no longer a romantic. This one completely confuses me as well but I understand where it came from. I used to do things that were subtle, creative andbeautiful that expressed this part of me so well. I kinda know where this one comes from. I have tended to choose woman who were tough because I respect a woman with a sharp opinion and the tongue to deliver it with but most women I’ve been with are not so good with giving praise or praise given to them. However, most of the women I have chosen really didn’t respect my romantic side and some women even ran over me a bit when I showed it. I think I started to consider it a weakness and became very cautious in my use of it until it was nearly absent from my life.

I’m full of internal and external distractions. I tend to distract myself very easily these days. When I’m feeling down I shop, play games or watch TV and really haven’t investigated why I feel down. I’ve always been kinda this way but there used to be a balance. I used to find peace in being still, being alone and listening the whispers of the world you can only hear when you tune out the distractions. Through my peace I was closest to god. I still feal that closeness to god and deep faith but I’ve lost some of the personal relationship I had with god.

I used to see the harmony in the world. I was always of the view that I had a special insight in to the world and I could see details that nobody else really cared to see. I’ve started doing this again. It’s like I’ve awoken from a long slumber and I can see details that I never saw when I looked at the same thing dozens of times. I’ve always had the ability to look at the same thing from a multitude of different perspectives and see the logic of opposing view points to realize that both view points were right in most cases because perception is not something that is right or wrong. It is what it is. I’m gaining this one back and through it I hope to release my fear.

I used to write daily. Writing has always been good for my soul. It has shown me insight on to things that I didn’t shed light on till I wrote them down. It has given me a window in to others that goes deeper than my perceived view of them. I’ve gotten away from writing and when I have written it’s not been for me. In some cases, not all, it’s like someone else is writing and sometimes I read the things I wrote and I’m not sure it’s me. Writing has given me glimpses in to my former self and helped me come to the realization of who I am now.

So, who am I now that I know? Probably a combination of who I was and who I aspire to be. I’ve never been that resistant to change. It’s likely I will start redefining myself and that process is very likely to be dangerous to my current lifestyle and set of standards. I will define myself for the better in some people’s eyes and for the worst in other people’s eyes. But change is the only constant in the universe and through change comes re-birth. Once I reduce the fear in my soul I will be able to come to some definitions on who I will become and what it means to my life. I’m in that process now.

Here I am, being me in a way that I may not choose for my own.

Secretly, I could be choosing something my soul’s already sewn.

Turns in life’s path that can draw my walking pace to rapid chaos.

Sweeping tornado of beauty’s pleasant gain and mighty misery of loss.

Not one to be consumed with pleasure and cast away former gain in disregard.

Groomed for patience, ease and measure but now dealt an unusual card.

Under my mind’s watchful eye I must not give a second or third glance.

Challenged by my soul’s changing election as it forces the arms of chance.

Some decisions are fruit for the picking and you get one or another selection.

Some moments your soul casts in stone your choices to illogical direction.

A man’s life is filled with fruit for the soul giving some rotten and some ripe.

Guilt for desire to in all things be filled with gloriousness of every stripe.

Such ambitions make good men great but are at the core of man’s vice.

What’s pleasant can be wicked and what’s good for the soul isn’t always nice.

What’s wet isn’t always rain and you can’t shake the unshakable to submission.

If the you inside you has a solid now purpose then let that you do the pitchin’.

No truth was ever achieved without the blessing of god and knowledge of self.

The tragedy of knowing one’s self is knowing what may have to be put on the shelf.

Things made in pursuit of passion can be as beautiful as they are danger filled.

Juicy and smooth are less attractive when your cup is empty and spilled.