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A haunting mark on my early report cards helps me remember the ghosts that persist in my life and how to avoid them. You may ask what I'm talking about because I'm obviously being cryptic. I often said whatever I wanted and was very energetic and creative as a small child. I lacked focus and self-control and it was reflected on my earliest report cards. I didn't get bad grades but I'm talking about the marks they give you for your behavior when you are a kid. Ever since then I've been working on controlling and guiding my creativity/imagination.

An expansive imagination and huge amounts of creativity is a great thing and a curse. In business and in writing it allows my mind to be free of the shackles that many other people have around their mind. It allows me to think outside of the box and to envelop my surroundings in possibility and intrigue. Why do things work? How do they work? What drives people to do x? I sometimes think this inquisitive nature and freedom of expression is my biggest gift to the world. Sometimes I also see it as my own personal burden. I think I have mentioned this before in my writings but let me explain.

It's a burden because there's a pressure that weighs on me if I don't use it for the greater good. It's a burden because it makes me suspicious of everyone and everything. That makes me prone to wondering about all kinds of conspiracy and creating negative possibilities where none exist. It allows my mind to go in all directions with the ability to create magnificence as well as the ability to destroy and poison everything around me. It puts me on the verge of driving myself mad sometimes. It makes me look like a crazy person because I am in constant mental exercise of combining information from the world around me and allowing random thoughts to have the forefront of my mind from time to time. It, for certain, keeps the closest people to me on their toes and makes life interesting. 

I believe I'm a constant work in progress and I have a strong drive to improve on myself daily. My drive is to be no better than anyone else but to be better than what I was yesterday constantly driving toward perfection of self - which is an unobtainable goal overall.

There's a bitterness to me these days because I let the world get to me and dull my spirit. I let people have an effect on me that left a stain on my soul. I lived my days, at one point, as if I couldn't be withered by anyone and my strength couldn't be diverted through fear or misdirection.  I pine for those days with an unquenchable thirst. I have let a woman in my life and let her incredibly close to me. My only hope is that I have chosen the right woman to help define my future and someone that will let me heal and grow with me. I am optimistic. But, only time will tell if that is who she is. There are challenges as well as bliss ahead and this will test me as well as those willing to take the journey with me. 

Ever since I became a father I tend to mark certain holidays by my son's growth over that time. You know, kid related holidays, like Easter and Christmas. Pictures and video are good to see how far he's come and what he's doing. I'm real proud of my son. He's smart, developing well and is a very handsome boy. I want to give him every advantage I can. That's one of the reason's I work so hard. I thought it would be cool to share a little Easter Video I made last year around this time for his Easter Egg Hunt in 2009. I'm going to shoot some video this weekend of his Easter and put that up as well!

I pass this Hollywood Video every time I leave my house to take my son to school in the morning. Notice something special? Yes, it's closing. Why? Redbox, Hulu, iTunes, On Demand, Netflix, etc... The business model is dead and/or dying quickly.

I do admit some nostalgia about going to the video store as a kid with my father and wondering if the latest and greatest movie or game would be available. My anticipation would be so deep when I entered the doors of the video store. Many times I would find out that someone else had rented it or that my information was wrong and it wasn't quite out yet. Rarely do I feel the same way about that because why would I?

It costs me a dollar to rent from Redbox and I don't need membership... then if I'm obscenely late I just end up owning the movie. My debit/credit card is my membership so I don't fill out anything or deal with people. Netflix also is a great model... I just pay $x a month and I can get two movies and send them back and get new ones whenever I want. In that model there is no late fees and I can easily manage my account online. Netflix also offers streaming through it's website for many movies so I don't even have to wait on some things. I have an AppleTV so I can just pick what movie I want and the rental downloads and I watch it instantly and it charges me through iTunes. Also, through my cable company I have On Demand where I can just order any movie I want and it's charged to my cable bill. So, other methods are so convenient or cheaper that I never would think of joining a movie store.

As this vestige of the 20th century dies I just want to say "Good riddance!". I'm feel very badly for all those who will lose jobs because of it but as things that made sense in the 20th century die off new things will take their place. It's easier than ever to start your own business with almost no investment. When you fold up your 20th century mindset and start shrugging off that antiquated way of thinking that still holds many of us a wage slave or a slave to old patterns with no seeming logic then you will feel that much better about joining the rest of us in a century of convenience and pragmatic decisions. I will be the first to welcome you!

As I look to the future I can't help but glance over my shoulder. I see a lot behind me that is good, bad and indifferent. In my former company I let costs get out of control and watched some of our best talent walk away because we couldn't afford to pay them any more. There's not a lot of distance between now and those situations and I feel weighed down by it in many ways. I've worked very hard to correct mistakes after the split between my partner and I on the Cogwise Software company. I established two new companies and pushed away from the past mistakes while learning from them. I've learned that I create great software and I'm an excellent software architect. My ideas about using technology to help small businesses could revolutionize small businesses that work with me. I also learned that I need ways to control cost so I can offer my services to smaller businesses that normally wouldn't be able to afford it. Lastly I learned I need an accountant and a decent lawyer to call on if I need them. No matter how good your intentions are for some people and how much you jump over yourself to help them you can still get screwed. 

I did decide to never take on a partner for my core businesses and only take on venture partners. When I say 'venture partners' I mean partners for a specific opportunity. Further I took up a practice I used to do years ago. I did a quarterly self-review on each client and gave them advice. I also rated my service to them and gave them the opportunity to give me feedback. This keeps the lines of communication open and helps foster a stronger relationship between myself and the client. 

I've also been getting my hands dirty by getting in the code and providing more feedback to my developers to help tune them to a mold that works for my brand. Recently I got screwed in a big way from one of my clients who had me worked on a contract that was supposed to sustain our business for about 8 weeks or so. I didn't work on bringing in new business because I was working on growing my new companies slow. Well, this client decided after 5 days of coding (which is almost no time when you have an 8 week project) that we weren't meeting goals fast enough. Even after we met the goals outlined in the first milestone they decided to drop us and not pay for our work to that point. I guess that's what I get for trusting someone so young who doesn't really understand development. You know who you are but I won't put your name out in public because I don't do that kind of thing. Now, I know this person has been burned a few times by other developers and that's why they were hesitant to trust me but I've been doing this 11 years and I have a huge reputation to uphold so I wouldn't screw anyone. I have a tattoo on my shoulder of a circle with two arrows that means 'What goes around comes around' so I don't take it lightly when someone thinks I'm trying to screw them. I never have an intention to screw anyone and I work hard to build the best software money can buy in a thoughtful and properly paced manner. You can't pay for professional software development from scratch and have a functional product in 5 days. 

But, whatever, at this point I'm doing my best to recoup my loss and find new contracts to put in place of the one I got screwed on. I've never really been without work so I'm sure something will come along soon. But I hope that it comes sooner rather than later and I'm working every angle I can to look for new work (which I haven't had to do in years). I'm not deterred even though I may sound like it. I'm emboldened and will soon use my ideas and executive ability to produce awesome software for those who need my services. 

So, this was last week and I wrote this long article about it but somehow my editor ate it and it didn't get posted. But I'm going to resurrect it from my memory. Basically, my son came in my room for the first time and described a dream which seemed very real to him. It took me a fair amount of time to understand he was describing a dream. I was awake but just laying in the bed and he was running through the house looking for me. This was the morning and normally he knows to come in and come to the door in the morning because I'm asleep. He wakes me up. So it was unusual that he was running around the house. I thought maybe someone else was here but that wasn't the case. He finally did come to the door and came in the room. He told me that he was all alone in the house and Daddy & Alicia (my girlfriend) were outside. He said a doggie had turned out the lights in the green room (his play room). I couldn't understand everything that was going on that he was telling me but I could understand the desperation and loneliness in his voice.

It makes me wonder if maybe he has anxiety about being alone. This among other signs has given me some pause about him clearly having some abandonment issues likely related to his mom moving away from him. He also asks me if she's mad at him. I think he possibly thinks she's mad at him and doesn't want to see him even though I've worked hard to counter these concerns. At this age it's hard for me to know what he thinks. The barrier between what's real and imagination tends to be somewhat thin at this age and for that matter most of early childhood.

I somewhat remember having nightmares about being alone when I was a child. My mom worked a lot because she had a couple jobs when I was growing up just to keep us afloat financially. My father wasn't around a lot when I was a small child either. So, I'm sure I had issues with a lack of attention from both parents. But I wonder if all children have these kinds of dreams about being left alone or if it's because of his situation. I don't really know. I know he seems to be coping well with his mom being away but every now and then I wonder because he says something subtle or worries about me leaving him alone for too long. It's extremely subtle but it's there.

It is interesting to watch my son grow from a baby in to a boy. He's learning very quickly... starting to understand the names of the days and starting to inquire about things he never thought of before. He's approaching boyhood with a wonder and curiosity I'm sure that is common among children his age but it's a unique way for me to experience life again. I'm seeing the world through his eyes and it's a very unique experience which I cherish very much.

As an engineer I think my main purpose it to solve problems. Of course engineer has little to do with engines any more but the concept is the same. The word 'engineer' is originated in the eleventh century from the Latin ingeniator, meaning one with ingenium, the ingenious one. I serve many roles but engineer is a core one that I claim. I'm as much an engineer as I am a human or male. It's embedded in my make-up. I've been a tinkerer since I was very young and at some point I would assume that I graduated to become an engineer. I guess I'm kinda just rambling in this article but more or less I want to describe what it's like to be an engineer. This may serve to assist people who are considering a path in engineering - whether it be software engineer as I selected or some other type of engineering. 

One of the core elements of being an engineer is having a deep desire to understand how things operate and why they operate the way they do. Have you ever disassembled the TV in your mind or thought about how your phone works and if you could alter it to use it for something else? Well, if you want to rip things apart and put them back together and it's no big deal for you to do so then you might be on the path to be an engineer. I know personally I even disassemble people and relationships to better understand how people operate and why (I'm being figurative of course). 

Another element of being a good engineer is questioning standards. I think this goes hand in hand with the above element but questioning the norm is a big part of being an engineer. I guess this is because the norm or status quo rarely makes perfect sense to an engineer. Many of the things we consider social standards are open for investigation to the mind of an engineer and have a deep potential to be ignored or changed in their life. Though many engineers will follow social standards begrudgingly. This is why engineers tend to gravitate to the more geeky and seemingly odd tendencies that are edge culture in most people's opinion. But geeky has been popular and more welcome as the norm for a while now. This is because of the power and position that geeks hold in an increasingly technological society.

There are many more elements but these are the ones I chose to describe. So, I'll talk about one more. An engineer is rarely happy with good enough. This is a drawback as much as it's a motivational force for good. It can tie a good engineer in to all sorts of pursuits that suck the time and life out of them because nothing is good enough. Being that I serve the role of businessman and engineer I'm constantly pushing between the two roles because being an engineer is sometimes not cost effective and being a businessman is sometimes willing to accept good enough on a cost to benefit analysis. 

I'm very proud to be an engineer and I love the insight on life that it gives me. I even love it when it doesn't serve me because it keeps me in balance. I guess this was my "I love engineeering" article. Here's a cool link to a very brief history of engineering. 

I haven't written in a while! A lot of things have happened. Had my birthday party at Pearl Restro in downtown Nashville.... which I may write another article about. Been in a relationship for a while with my new girl. Enjoying life and working hard. I'm focused and back at kicking ass. But, what I want to talk about today is how the seeds of doubt are more poisonous than any other thing in life. Doubt of one's self, doubt of one's partner, doubt of ones friends, etc... Once the seeds are sewn it takes a huge amount of personal strength to kill those seeds. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of my personal journey that I found doubt to be like kryptonite but I see other people paralyzed with doubt and unable to be proactive because they are shadowed in this chaos of doubt and negative inner suggestion. So, I understand from watching others that this is unlikely to be just me. 

Anyone, including yourself, can sew the seeds of doubt in your life if you let it happen. It's not usually because your friends or others want to see you do bad but it's likely because they are looking out for you and trying to make you aware of all the pitfalls that are possible. Be careful not to get overwhelmed in things you cannot control and things that are generally outside of your sphere of influence. Just because something is in your view doesn't mean it's something you can control and it's best to focus on the things you can control and let the things you can't control play themselves out. I am always aware of those things which are out of my control and I have a hard time not trying to control those things or being aware that I can't control them. That's what I'm working on. 

It's true that there are those people that would rather see you fail and the more successful you are the more of those people will live to see your downfall because misery loves company. It can be hard to not tune out the noise of strangers who give warnings out of malicious intent if you aren't used to people who do this type of thing. Surely, this can be a danger to be aware of that can potentially halt or slow your rise through life. Sometimes strangers give gifts and sometimes strangers deal in poison but strangers never give without self interest. I'd rather not let the whispers of strangers clutter my mind but I stay aware and remember the words of strangers. 

Watering the seeds of doubt can be a poisonous endeavor. Remember, all things will eventually come to light in their own time. Nothing can hide forever and every experience in your life has it's purpose and it's imprint of wisdom. 

Thank God for 2010 because as the title says 2009 was kickin my ass. Okay, it wasn’t a bad year by the normal measure. I met a lot of cool people and made a lot of solid networking connections. That being said, there were a lot of things about 2009 that changed for me and put me in extremely awkward positions with people I cared about. A few of the things that looked bad in my personal life such as my breakup were not really all that bad. It just made the year turbulant.

I learned a lot about what I will never do in business ever again but I also learned a lot about what I did right. I also saw some incredible moves that I learned a lot from out of people I associated with in business and my personal life. I definately found out who my real friends were and who really had my back in a time of need.

Looking at my goal list for 2010 I must note that it’s incredibly ambitious but I’ve already knocked a few things off the list. I wrote my goal list around Thanksgiving. There’s a lot of promise with this new year and a lot to be said for a year that nearly knocked me on my ass but gave me a soft place to land. I really learned how able I am to move with change and adapt to situations that others mull over for months.

I learned how much I love my son and all of the things I want for him in life. I learned and am still learning what it’s going to take to get him there. I learned to have some patience and think before I act. I have always been a bit of a doer and not so much a thinker in the past. It’s benefited me in the past and cost me as well. I learned it doesn’t hurt to take a few seconds to reflect before you act on something.

I learned that there are many people that value my perspective and hold me in high regard even though they see my flaws. I learned to see myself better through the eyes of others and to not be so afraid to be a little vunerable. I learned that I’m an extremely talented and gifted person who owes the world all that I can afford to give and thensome for giving me the opportunity to be who I am.

Lastly, I learned to not be bitter when people step on me. I learned to let people be who they are even when you don’t agree with them. I had to learn to let go so I could live for my future and not hold on to my past.

After some reflection I will be starting a new company at the beginning of the year. This is regardless of whether or not I do anything else. I am going to create a more localized company here in Nashville and adopt some new strategies I’ve been working on for the past couple months. I will go in to more detail in a later post but I’m looking forward to a fresh start with a new company. It’s very likely I won’t be taking on a business partner this time. Instead I’m going to work on strategic partnerships for specific parts of the business.

It’s funny to be called a "Serial Entrepenuer" as I didn’t really see myself that way but I guess the label applies well. I do start a lot of businesses and if they don’t work I’m quick to learn from them and move on. But much of my history as an entrepenuer was as a sole proprietorship and just in the past 3 1/2 years have I been dealing on more of a corporate scale and managing larger teams. I like to fail small, learn quickly, adapt and apply that wisdom. I tend to be an extremely good architect and thinker but need people around me to continue to force me to continue action in my chosen direction. Luckily, I have friends and family who are very supportive and I’m thinking with this new company I won’t need to draw on the strength of a partner to balance out my personal flaws. Plus, over the past year or so I’ve worked hard at balancing my idiosyncrasies in a way that will benefit me in the long run.

I still love the "Cogwise" brand and discussed it with my former partner that my new company will buy the branding from the old company along with any other materials that the company owned. So, I hope to continue to build on the success of the Cogwise brand and counter the small flaws and lower the high overhead that were a part of the old Cogwise company. The new company will be called "Cogwise Solutions". This is a more inclusive brand based on the fact that we will offer consulting services, marketing services as well as software development services. Further, we will still be able to take advantage of some of the relationships we have built with the previous Cogwise company.

I’m working on building some new strategic partnerships to strengthen the brand and to repair issues that were a part of the old company. This will be a huge challenge but I’m looking forward to facing it in the coming year! Also, I want to continue to build on our internal software projects. I need to put all the advice I’ve received to good use and this move is a measured reaction to the advice that I’ve received.

This doesn’t mean I won’t be considering other routes or combining the other opportunities that have been preseneted to me with this current move. It means this is my decided direction and my other decisions will be based off of what helps me maintain and strengthen the long term viability of the brand.